Urgently Wanted: Federal Ministers

The Federal cabinet, currently operating with a small team of sixty one members, urgently requires experienced and dynamic new ministers to fill up a large number of challenging assignments lying vacant due to the non-availability of suitably qualified and experienced candidates.

The Ministers required are:

- Minister for promotion of vani, karokari and jirgas. The applicant must be able to show bonafide evidence of his participation in at least 10 jirgas. Knowledge and deep personal commitment to the traditions of Vani, Karo kari and other similar compensatory mechanisms is an essential pre-requisite.

- Minister for burials and graveyards: This is a sensitive assignment and would require improvement in burial procedures specially relating to those women who are pre-maturely killed for such heinous crimes as wanting to get married to persons of their own choice. Preference will be given to ex-senators and those already serving in provincial cabinets.

- Minister for pointing fingers: This highly complex assignment requires the minister to point fingers during press conferences, typically towards carefully selected journalists, to indicate who should speak next.

- Minister for elimination of wild boars, dogs and other such animals: This ministry is not as simple as it looks. The minister will be responsible to get the unwanted wild boars out of the President and the PM House. He/she shall also be responsible to create a strategy for elimination of dogs from Khairpur and other such districts, where they are currently being used to maul women whenever ordered by a local jirga. As either the Jirgas or the dogs must be eliminated to get rid of this menace , the government has decided to retain the Jirgas and get rid of the dogs.

- Minister for non-religious affairs: We already have six ministers, one each for Ushar, Zakat, Haj, Moon-sighting, Muharram and other Religious affairs. We now need a minister who could point out what is non-religious about all these religious ministries. Candidates who have been earlier allotted free agricultural lands or diesel licenses need not apply.

- Minister for unofficial foreign visits: This minister will be full time responsible to create reasons, make arrangements, issue statements and plan yet more official looking unofficial visits for the president and the prime Minister. His task is to keep these two gentlemen out of the country for at least 75% of the time.

Qualification and Experience:

Applicants must possess verifiable evidence of skill and excellence in their area of expertise. While a formal degree is not required, a non-recognisable vague qualification such as diploma in 'education' from any unknown institute would be desirable. Those with experience of driving around without number plates, participating or presiding in Jirgas, wanted by courts or having been in jail for corruption charges would be given preference.

Salary, allowances and privileges:

As you are primarily interested only in serving the poor people of Pakistan, your basic salary shall be Rs.80,000 per month only. Your hard work shall however be partly compensated by perks and perquisites, some of which are mentioned below:

a. One Prado/land Cruiser for self and three for staff and family.

b. A monthly foreign trip to observe elections being held in a country of your choice. Additional trips can be arranged depending upon your areas of expertise. These could be leading a Pakistani delegation to an interfaith conference, Kashmir conference , cultural conference, sports conference, or a conference on how to identify where such conferences are being held.

c. Two free 'Umras' per year, that include a 4 nights stay in Saudi Arabia in a 5 star hotel. All expenses paid.

d. One free bungalow in Islamabad in any sector of your choice

e. Unlimited free travel and stay throughout Pakistan.

f. You may recommend upto 8000 friends, relatives and well wishers to receive monthly grants from Mohtrama Shaheed Benazir Bhutto fund.

g. You may recommend upto three hundred friends, relatives and well wishers per month to get employment in government organisations.

h. Free use of President House for Mehndi, marriage, and Valima ceremony for self, family and friends. Advance booking is recommended to avoid disappointment.

i. Free medical treatment and medicines for self, friends and family. This facility however does not include free compensation for any violence that you and your family members may commit against the medical staff of the hospital.

Source: The Emergency Mailing List